I can hear my heart beat in my ears.  I feel the rapid beating and the arrhythmia feels like my heart has stopped for a moment while I am desperately willing it to beat.  My breath feels short, as if I cannot quite catch it fully.  The effects of these symptoms cause me to fear.

No one seems to know what’s happening to me in the moment. Kids are still calling my name loudly. Little ones are pulling at me for a snack. My phone buzzes with questions for me to answer.

I am used to this by now.  It’s happened a lot over the past 2 years.  I reexamine what I’ve been eating, not eating and did I get enough sleep last night?  The answers to these questions often leave me feeling defeated.

So, I pray, desperate for answers and fully aware that I have the ear of a healing God, I pray. I press in and go deep.  I’m tired of this.  It’s gone on for too long.

And me always trying to fix me – changing my diet and wondering about my hormones and asking simple prayers for wisdom.  This time I get a promise.  It’s time for healing.   But at a cost.

I prepare to see a new doctor – one who has a good reputation for dealing with these things and I prepare to see her and I prepare my heart.  I know this doctor is part of God’s plan of healing for me. He speaks this to me as I breathe in deep in effort to get my heart to stop pounding once again.

“I want you to do whatever she tells you to do.”

I hear this and say “Yes Lord.”  What could she possibly ask me to do that would be more difficult than what I’ve already been through?  Yes Lord, but you see how I’ve already suffered.  You know I’ve already given up so much and none of it seems to work.

And this doctor speaks with knowing.  She tells me my symptoms rather than asking them because she’s seen this before and knows it well.  “We’ll take care of this,” she says with confidence.

“All you have to do is go off dairy, stay off gluten, quit eating red meat, completely avoid caffeine, take these supplements and …”

Really? Is that ALL?  I wondered if anyone could actually do all of that and how incredibly unrealistic it was and thought about all I have already given up.  No gluten for years, no sugar, no pasta, rice, potatoes or corn.  And doesn’t the Bible talk about a land flowing with milk & honey?! I should be able to have milk!  What would I do without milk?

“I want you to do whatever she tells you to do.”

I wonder if this time it’s more about obedience than what I am actually doing? Or maybe I just need to learn to submit?

I stop my inward kicking and screaming and make a decision in that moment.  “I will obey you Lord. I will submit myself to you and to the one you have called to help aid me in my healing. “

And a miracle has been happening in me.

Not once since that day have I struggled to breathe normal breaths.  Not once have I felt crazy for having panic attack symptoms when there was absolutely nothing to panic about.  I’ve felt my arrhythmia all of 3 times in the past month compared to at least once a day for the previous month.

I think about all I was sacrificing in effort to be healed.  To obey is better.

It doesn’t make sense.  I don’t understand it all.  It’s incredibly hard to eat this way. But God is healing me.  And He started from the inside out.

I wonder what other ways I need to hear from Him and obey? How about you?  Is there something that you know you need to obey even though it doesn’t make sense and it is difficult to do?  Perhaps He wants to do something from your obedience that He cannot do with your sacrifices alone.