I wrote this post a few months ago and just feel like it’s for now. If you are in a difficult place I hope that it encourages you.
I’ve eased in and out of what I can only call depression more times than I’d like to count in the past few months. Happy elation is closely followed with deep sadness over this lonely feeling that weighs my chest down.
I have been fighting this out of control depression with all of my know how and yet it seems beyond my fixing.
I knew that my numbers were off on the tests that the doctor ordered. That explained a lot but did it really? It’s the thoughts that moved me so readily from lightheartedness to lifelessness.
The theme in my mind is that I really just want to live. Fully live and as soon as I start feeling like I’m there I will shrink back into this hopelessness. How do I ever get to living when I am so weighed down?
My relationship with God has felt different these days, it is less like we’re walking hand in hand and more like He’s watching me walk saying “which path will you take? One leads to life. Now figure it out.”
I know He’s good and I know He’s loving and it’s not as if He’s leaving me to myself but at the same time – it was. He was letting me choose.
I close my eyes tight on this day with the weight over my mind and stirring thoughts in my head. I want to be free of this. I want to really live.
“to die is gain”
“We are crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who lives but Christ who lives in me.”
I feel like I’ve died to myself a hundred times but this time I imagine myself with my own arms outstretched with nails in my hands. I die so that Christ might live. So that His light, that cannot be overcome, will be in and shine through me.
Hope
It’s simple really. Abundant life, gain, it requires death.
My eyes close again and I let it overtake me. Tears come now but not the kind that come from depression but the kind that are freedom bought. I die to myself, my plans, my life and I’m raised back up with new life.
I give up the struggle…to be and do and have and to breath. I give in and just am. Death overtakes me but instead of darkness it is light. The light of Christ. Behold I am a new creation. Old things have passed away.
This means that I can live life fully, abundantly, not conforming to the patterns of this World but conforming to the patterns of my Jesus with life and truth as my companion. And God smiles and says “I loved watching you make this choice. I delighted in you trusting me enough to die to you. Now, you will really live.”
I don’t want to make light of depression with this post. For me a few months of ups and downs does not equate to the challenges that depression can bring. But there is hope in dying to yourself even in your depression. It surrenders your control and gives it back to God. Even if that means walking through sadness and tears I promise you that these ashes will be turned to beauty if you will just cling to Him. Don’t cling to overcoming depression but cling to the One who has already Overcome depression. He is your Healer and your strength. He may have some things to work out in you even here in these moments when all feels hopeless. It’s often in these moments, our weakest ones, that He is holding us the closest and healing deep wounds. Let Him work, sweet friend. I’m praying for you!
Kindred spirits see kindred things. I so agree with you. My call is to share this truth – in dying we really do live. In dying we move into the place we should have always been…near the heart beat of the Living God. Staying there is the key to the heartfelt relationship….period.
Chris Malkemes recently posted.. My Love Calls*
Dying to self! This is not depression, but grieving for the loss of the self that likes to have her way.
I always wondered how Betsy and Corrie could praise God in the concentration camps. I struggled over how a missionary can lay her child in the a cold dark grave of the inner remote ravages of China and still say, “God, Your will be done.” I couldn’t grasp the beauty of those who walked freely to the guillotine.
Then I was asked to make a choice. Follow self or follow the Master. Self put up an awful fight screaming, yelling, crying and pouting. She knew me well and knew all my weaknesses. Every time I tried to turn a deaf ear to her she slapped me in the face. I had given her voice. I had given her strength. She wasn’t going down easy.
Finally, I just said it, “Lord. I relinquish all rights to self. I give you my life and everything I have. You must become greater and I must become less!”
Flood gates of peace flowed in. Confidence rose up in my soul for self now had no voice to silence Him. The Living God now rose up within me.
Yes, I had to die to self, but now I live really live. Self had kept her secret. She knew I would find my heart’s desire in Him if only I yielded that heart.
I died to self this is true, but now the invisible God is visible in my heart and mind.
I now know why Betsy and Corrie could praise God in the deepest pit of World War II. I understand how the missionary could lay her child’s life in the hands of the Lover of her soul. I felt the power of walking to the guillotine. Not to be here is to be with Christ.
Self’s secret is out.
She has no power over me.
My God reigns and reigns supreme.
That’s beautiful Chris! Yes, I know what you mean about dying to self. There is a grieving processes and it’s not as easy as one might think. We can also pick self up again over time if we are not careful. I think that is why we desperately need God’s presence every day and why those who are going through hard times and are clinging to God ever make it through. It’s so freeing to live from a place of dying to self and following God whole-heartedly. Blessings, Kristin