My oldest daughter turned 20 a few months ago and, I don’t know about you, but I’ve spent a lot of my mothering time scared that I was going to royally mess things up.
I have been terrified at times that my daughter would one day leave home and not care to come back or like me much at that point. I think it’s a common parenting fear that the enemy tries to get us to dwell on but let’s kick this one in the teeth today.
Here are a few things I have learned that have been so very helpful:
Apologize like crazy – humble yourself when you are wrong and ask for their forgiveness. You are not only setting an example for them but also making your relationship right again when you mess up.
Deal with the stuff in your past that you are afraid of – If you made mistakes in the past and you are worried that they may have a long-term effect on your child (like feeling like you didn’t spend enough time with them at some point, or you were especially critical, etc…), instead of continuing to worry about how that affected your child, talk to them about it. You may find that they don’t feel that way at all or it may be an opportunity for you to make it right, ask for forgiveness and learn to meet their needs.
Find out their love languages and come up with a plan of action – Have them take the Love Language quiz online (for elementary school ages, preteens, and teens) and then create a plan for yourself to minister love to them in the way they best receive it. Put specific ideas on your calendar if you have to. An example may be to mail a card and candy to your son whose primary love language is Gifts or clean your daughter’s room for her if Acts of Service is at the top of her list. If you don’t have the book The 5 Love Languages of Children I highly recommend it.
Let your kids tell you what they need from you – Lay defensiveness aside and ask your kids how you can do a better job to meet their needs (once a month or so). Kids like to talk about themselves and they often know what they want/need from you. This will only help you to be close and more open with each other. Plus, this will teach them to do this with their future spouse and kids. It takes humility to let someone else tell you where you could step things up.
Learn to love yourself and teach them to love themselves – One of the greatest hindrances to becoming a whole person is not loving oneself. Be a whole parent by loving yourself and therefore teaching your children to be whole by loving themselves (this is not a selfish love but an acceptance of who God made you to be and gratefulness for your uniqueness). The best way to do this is to go on a journey to discover how much God loves you. Allow yourself the time and effort to come to understand how greatly you are loved. This will fill your love tank for yourself and then for others including your kids. Also, take time to discover your strengths and gifts. Encourage your children to learn about their strengths and giftings as well. Model a healthy acceptance for the unique way God has made you and your children will learn to love themselves in the same way.
Don’t let fear of messing up your kids have a hold on you – When we are afraid of something and act out on that fear we are often causing the very thing we are afraid of to happen. Talk to God about your fears and repent for believing the lies that the enemy tries to get you to believe. If you walk by faith and hope in your great God and His ability to heal relationships, mend hurts, and fill you with love, then you cannot fail. It’s the lies that drag us down and keep us in that worried state where our actions are based on fear and that is what drives our children away.
Doing these things is another way that we can step out and be Brave Moms. When we don’t let fear keep us from living life fully and moving forward (it’s never too late to make a change), we overcome and will see great victories in our mothering.
This is a great post – I so believe in your first tip- Apologize like crazy- indeed, humility is so huge. Kids know when we mess up so when we are vulnerable and humble about it, it says so much. I also like how you encourage moms to ask what their kids need from them. You ask about fears-I think the number one fear a parent has is that their kid will not forgive them for something (eg. yelling too much) and will not want a relationship with them. For me, I try to keep the end in mind, that is, that I want to be close with my kids their entire lives. . . I look forward to your brave moms idea!! – Cornelia
Cornelia Becker Seigneur recently posted..Raising Culturally Engaged Kids
Kristin,
I really enjoyed this post. Spoke to my heart as I have broken down in tears on numerous occasions saying the words “I’m afraid I’m screwing up my kids”. I’m a recently divorced mom of a 5 year old boy and 8 year old girl. It’s been rough on them. I do my best to stay connected with them even though my time is so limited with work and shared custody. The thing is, I ask them what they need from me and they tell me often “I just want YOU mom” or “I don’t get enough time with you mom”. The reality is I know they need me more and it kills me inside to not be there for them especially during this time in their lives. But I can’t quit my job. I feel trapped between being a providing single mom and a nurturer. I constantly feel inadequate. I like the advice about asking God to show me what they need since my time with them is limited and often routine. (Dinner, homework, bath, bed) Thank you for speaking truth & encouragement to mothers.
Hi Lindsey, I can only imagine how tough it is to be a newly single mom navigating through all of these issues. Moms deal with so much guilt and the enemy has a hay-day with us throwing condemnation in our faces. You may need to stand up to the feelings of inadequacy and decide that you aren’t going to take it. You will be a better mom, and a more enjoyable one to be around when you are able to live in the moment and not under the weight of all of the regrets. I’m sure your children really miss you when you are absent and the change is hard but you’ve got this because God’s got you. He’ll fill in the cracks, heal what needs to be healed and be strength in your weakness.
It’s a great opportunity to teach your kids to rely on God too. Remind them that even though you and their daddy are limited, that God is limitless and is always with them. It can be an amazing opportunity for them to learn more about Him and how to tell Him their needs.
I’m praying for you right now that God will give you wisdom to make the most of the time you do have with them and also to give you strength when you are tired. Single mommas are amazing and work so hard! I’m cheering you on and praying big prayers for you to be encouraged and blessed! Blessings, Kristin
Oh wow! I am so happy that I stumbled across this post while browsing Pinterest over lunch this afternoon! I can’t tell you how many times I have thought or prayed this exact thing – “Dear God, please don’t let me royally mess up my boys!” Such a timely and lovely post. Thank you so much for sharing! Can’t wait to check out more of your blog!
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Hi Ginger,
So glad you stopped by! I think it’s such a common fear for us moms. It’s so freeing to be proactive though and let go of the fear. Blessings, Kristin
Beautiful wisdom. Love this.
Thanks so much Tricia! Love, Kristin
Thanks for this today! I have been really struggling with this very idea lately. With 4 kids I always feel like I can’t meet all of their needs. I need to have them take the Love Language test again. We did when I think they were too young. I like the idea to make a plan of action to show them love based on their love language.
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Hi Amy, I recently heard such a great tip from another mom who said that each morning she asked God to show her the needs of her children that day and how to meet them. Her children (I think she had 4 too) grew up saying she was always there for them and she attributes it, not to her actually always being on top of everything but praying that prayer and God showing her which child needed her each day. Such a wise example to follow! Thanks for stopping by! Blessings, Kristin
Kristin recently posted..How to Not Be Afraid That You’re Royally Messing Up Your Kids
I LOVE this Kristen!
Thanks Rachael! Hope it’s helpful. Blessings, Kristin