All My Hope

I’ve struggled to find the words share with you everything that has been going on in my life lately. I have started and deleted this post so many times I’ve lost count. I never intended to go silent for 3 months!

I tend to be really good at writing and sharing my heart in the good times or when I’ve come out of a refining time. But a hard time? The word well seems dry during the hard times. The past few months have been filled with a mixture of days where I survived moment by moment, sleeping until I had to go to an appointment or needed to pick up my kids from school and then struggling to make it through until evening, and days where I would feel good enough to get something done only to wear myself out.

It all started at Thanksgiving time. It began with severe fatigue and some scary nerve issues. By Christmas time I was dealing with severe anxiety, feeling very lightheaded almost all the time, waking up in the middle of the night feeling shaky all over, and (in spite of being exhausted) having a very difficult time sleeping.

One of the hardest parts of having health issues is not knowing what is causing your symptoms. It can be scary and disheartening to not know what is happening to you and to have doctors who are unable to tell you what the root issues are. We finally discovered that part of what what causing my symptoms was too much thyroid medication. Once I went off of the medicine my body began to recover but it took several weeks to even begin to feel somewhat normal. I am still dealing with fatigue and nerve issues. It has been a journey from stress, fear, depression, pain, and helplessness to faith, strength, peace, joy and hope.

The entire past year was a difficult one. With 3 painful losses of loved ones, dealing with failing health, financial struggles that came out of the blue and hurtful relationship issues, the year seemed to press on me in every way possible. It was also a year of calling and destiny. God gave me a clear vision of His heart for moms and how to minister hope and healing to them.

When destiny is revealed it seems like all hell breaks loose to keep you from it. The good thing is that God is greater and He’ll use every single thing thrown at you for your good. He certainly has used each moment of pain, loss, struggle and lack to draw me closer to His heart and to teach me how trustworthy He is.

This past weekend in church we sang a song that summarized for me what this past year has been about for me.

“All my hope is in You”

God has called me to something new. Something important in this moment in time. I believe that moms lives and the lives of their children hang in the balance and truth needs to be spoken into some broken and hurting places. I know that God’s heart for moms is for them to become strong and courageous, to overcome fear and to believe in every moment that our God is with us (Joshua 1:9). But I needed to realize what my hope was in first.

If you had asked me last January if my hope was purely in God alone I would have told you absolutely, positively YES! But this year shook me in ways I couldn’t have imagined and I discovered along the way that my hope was in some shaky things. Things that, when they were rocked, revealed the truth that all of my hope wasn’t always and completely in God. I had hope in my own abilities, my own strength and my sure-footed circumstances. When so much was stripped away the only things left were what I was clinging to.

What I was clinging to was a little bit of Jesus and a lot of other comforts. I clung to the idea that If I could just be healed and healthy then I would be okay. I desperately wanted my bank account to have a certain amount in it so that I could feel at peace. I believed that I needed my home to be in order and my kids to get over their struggles in order for me to feel okay.

But now? All my hope is in Him. Every single bit. I need Jesus every moment of every hour of every single day no matter how healthy I am, no matter the dollar amount in my bank account and no matter how smoothly life is going.

I woke up this morning crying out to God that He would make me as addicted to Him and His presence as I was to the things that I use to numb pain and difficulties. That all my hope would truly be in Him because I’ve willingly placed it there.  I believe He’ll honor this request. I don’t want to numb out with anything anymore.

I’ve had days over the past few months that felt like they would never end where I could barely function and depression over feeling so awful threatened to hold me down forever. Symptoms would flare and I just wanted relief. And in those deep, dark moments, I came to know that it was ok. Feeling out of control and helpless is ok. Because in all of these things all of my hope is still in a God who is never out of control or hopeless. He is always strong, powerful, near and good.

So, now you see why I have been away and what has consumed my energy. I do want to report that I am feeling better, still having some issues but on a good path to recovery. My doctors are working to find the causes and best treatments. I would appreciate your prayers as I continue to recover.

I am hoping to post here on the blog more regularly now and want to begin working towards the launch of Brave Moms again. I’m excited to share more of what I’ve learned over the past few months. Thank you for your prayers and encouragement while I’ve been away!